(605): captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
(+44): Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Ray (dressed as santa) screams ‘HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!’
(908): I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
(205): CHRIST GUYS I JUST THREW UP A QUARTER
(205): AND TWO DIMES
(205): THE FUCK DID WE DO LAST NIGHT
(308): Next time I say “Watch this” get me the fuck out of the bar.
(203): Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
(530): both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I’m missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
(208): Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don’t worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
(207): Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
(1-207): I’m hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You’re more on top of your shit than me.
(961): I was working in the clinic so they smashed a vodka bottle over luz’s head so they’d have an excuse to visit
(240): This kid is drunk.
(410): I hope by “this kid” you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
(417): You do realize the lyrics aren’t “hold me close TONY DANZA” right?
(573): You can’t be serious.
(847): I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
(1-847): This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.